 Forgiveness is a tough subject. We all have very personal stories to tell of times we've been injured by our fellow human beings, and sometimes the cuts are so deep, we can't imagine how we could ever stop feeling the pain of them. Yet, our relationship with God depends not only on His abundant, gracious forgiveness of us, but also on our willingness to forgive others. As hard as it can sometimes be, we are freed on a variety of levels when we practice forgiveness.
We know in our heads that we need to keep "short lists." Jesus makes it clear on more than one occasion that our own forgiveness is dependent on our willingness to forgive others. In Mark 11, Jesus directs his followers, "And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have ought against any: that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses. But if ye do not forgive, neither will your Father which is in heaven forgive your trespasses," (Mark 11:25,26).
Again, in Matthew 18, Jesus tells about a man whose 10,000 talent debt the king forgave. Yet, when that man refused to forgive the 100 pence debt of another man, the king had the ungrateful servant delivered to the tormenters. We do not want to be that wicked servant. It is therefore imperative that we learn to do what Jesus says and forgive others, even when it means doing so over and over again (Matthew 18:21-22).
Yet, even though we know we should forgive, sometimes it just seems beyond us. The hurt is so terrible, it feels impossible to release the person who caused it. That difficulty seems even greater when the person who did the hurting is somebody who is supposed to love us. Strangers are often easier to absolve than our friends and family, because we don't expect anything from strangers.
Yet, as hard as it may seem, forgiveness is possible, and there are things to remember that can help:
Simple Willingness:
Forgiveness doesn't mean forcing our emotions into a box and locking them away with a key. It doesn't mean trying to make ourselves feel anything. Forgiveness is an act of the will. It's a decision, and that decision begins with a simple willingness. That is the hard part. Once we've wrestled with our will and finally decided, "Yes, I am willing to forgive this person," the feelings will often take care of themselves after a bit. The hurt and sadness may not disappear right away, but a willingness to forgive is the biggest first step to take.
When she was 10-years-old, Lilly watched her mother's boyfriend beat her 7-year-old sister. Not only had the little sister done nothing wrong, but she was the "sick" and weak child of the family, and it wasn't the first time the boyfriend had chosen to abuse the helpless child. The rage Lilly said she felt at 10-years-old over the cruel treatment of her sister could not be described. Yet, soon after that incident, while she ground over it in her heart, she felt the Holy Spirit say, "You need to forgive him." Even at 10-years-old, she knew He was right. So, she said, "Okay."
That simple act of obedient willingness instantly changed what was happening in her heart. The rage lifted. "The sadness remained," she said, "and I wouldn't talk about it for years, but I was freed from being angry at that man. He was God's business. So, when I found out years later that he'd given his life to Christ, I was able to be glad. And when he died, I knew he was in heaven, and I was able to rejoice in that. Forgiving him saved me from years of rage and grief and hatred."
Forgiveness doesn't mean we trust an untrustworthy person or foolishly expose ourselves to further hurt. It does mean that, day by day, we willingly keep our hearts clean before God.
Overcomers In Christ
It is also very important that we avoid the easy trap of seeing ourselves as victims. Victims focus on the actions of the victimizer and place themselves in a position of judgment and self righteousness. While from the world's perspective, judgment and self-righteousness are justified, they can be very spiritually destructive.
We need to avoid seeing ourselves as victims and instead remember that we are more than conquerors through Christ Jesus. Jesus told us, "… In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world," (John 16:33b). That absolutely applies to times when we could be considered victims. Paul says, "As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter. Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us," (Rom 8:36-37).
As overcomers, we do not focus on what things have been done against us. We focus instead on our relationship with God and what He wants to do in our lives and in the lives of those who have caused us pain. It's our relationship with Jesus that matters more than anything else, and He can bring victory to even the worst of situations. If our neighbor's "room" is not cleaned up, we still need to make sure our own "room" is clean day after day, year after year.
We don't have to suffer at it in silence, either. When appropriate, we may be required to honestly and gently say, "Hey neighbor, your room is a mess and you're muck is spilling into my room," after the model set forth in Matthew 18:15ff. But, we need to make sure we keep our own hearts humble and full of God's love. If we do, God can work through our obedience to do amazing, excellent things to heal relationships and lives.
We all have faults. We have all failed God and our friends and families at some time or another. We have all behaved selfishly and lied and done those things we knew were wrong. In moments of anger, we've said horrible things. We are all in desperate need of forgiveness. As we travel through this rough world, we need to keep short lists, keep our hearts clean, and daily allow God to help us see others as He sees them.
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Used by Permission: www.khouse.org Chuck and Nancy Missler are the founders of Koinonia House. Chuck is a Naval Academy graduate and former Branch Chief of the Dept. of Guided Missiles. He had a remarkable 30-year executive career and served on the Board of Directors of 12 public companies and was CEO of 6 of them. For twenty years Chuck balanced his high-profile corporate career with his teaching commitment to a weekly Bible study at Calvary Chapel Costa Mesa in Southern California.
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